Seaqxx

    Hindu religion says once upon a time people were different, they were complete creatures, androgynous with four limbs of each and two heads. And they were as happy as they could be because they were complete and perfect. But gods were jealous of their beauty and perfection and happiness so one day one of the gods decided to do something really mean. He split each creature in two and scattered them all over the earth. Legend says that since then the half creatures search each other in order to recreate the perfect creature they were in the beginning.

    Nowdays the force that brings them together is called love. It is believed we have one and only one person in this world which will complete us and close to whom we’ll be perfectly happy. I heard many stories that have confirmed this legend. But my story is not one of them. Or it was, until he was no more.

    I met him fifteen years ago. I can barely believe it is that long. It seemed to me as I have met him before. I knew I loved him before I met him, I did not know what love was then, I couldn’t define it, but now I know better. Years have passed and we got closer. Sometimes we shared dreams. Yes, we dreamed each other and the dreams had the same context. And then I dreamed him on St. Andrew’s night. Here there is a tradition that says that the one you dream is your human half.

    And then he died, nine years ago. No it does not feel like yesterday, I have adapted, got colder. I felt lost and I felt trapped into this world with no meaning. If there is no half for you what should you do? Should you spend your life waiting for the next lifetime and try to find him then? The legend doesn’t say what happens in this case. The legend is broken.

    And so am I.

Some people are meant to be dreamers.
Some people are meant to be lovers.
Some people are meant to inspire others.
Some people are meant to be leaders.
Some people are meant to save lives.
Some people are meant to be happy.
Some people are meant to fly.
Some people are meant to crush and burn.
Some people are meant to live forever.
And some people are meant to be alone. There are six billions of people on this planet, and yet there are still people meant to be alone. Seems pretty cruel and unfair, doesn’t it?

    Time is relative, hold the hand of someone you love and an hour will feel like a minute, hold a burning coal in your hand for a minute and it will feel like an hour.
    Time is relative, that’s what I said to someone tonight. I like to play with words, wrap them up to hide or express feelings in a way only someone who knows me or someone who is interested in figuring me out will understand. I told him time is relative because he said he won’t be back too soon. Time is relative to me regarding him, because he’s worth the wait. He’s worth every second of longing and yearning.

    If time would be the only obstacle in my way of getting his heart and giving him mine, I think I can beat it. Because I have never had any problem in waiting for something to happen. Every second that passes on only makes me yearn him more. I am scared sometimes that I will start wrapping him up in my dreams and falling in love with a dream, but I can’t help hoping that he is a dream come true.

    Time after time, I will be waiting, I will be dreaming, I will be hoping. I will keep the little memories I have of him deep in my hearf, vivid and warm, until we will make new ones.

    I haven’t dreamed in a while. I don’t like dreaming because when I dream I get lost in a world where either everything is worse than my reality, either much better. Sometimes I think I like the nightmares better because when I snap out of them I am so thrilled about my reality. The beautiful dreams, I hate them though. Not being able to realize I’m dreaming, I’m taking it all for granted, and in the morning everything gets stolen away.

    Last night I dreamed of you. Hasn’t happened since your birthday. I dreamed you then, it was a total surprise. I never thought I was into you so much I would dream about you. I dreamed we were getting close, but then I woke up because of a strange noise. I hated myself for waking up because you’re not part of my reality yet, and there are a lot of chances you will never be. That’s why I want to get close to you at least in my dreams.

    What did I dream last night? I dreamed someone else was trying to get close to you and I was suffering in silence, crying on the inside, because I had no right to tell you to ask that someone to stop. You had no idea what I was feeling for you. As the dream moved on I saw that you were cold to that someone, and from time to time you looked at me and smiled. At the end of my dream you came to me and wrapped one hand around my waist and with the other you caressed my cheek and told me to go home. You told me that you could see on my face that I was tired, and that I should take better care of myself.That’s when I woke up. I could still feel your warm hand on my cheek. And I hated you a little for chasing me out of my own dream.

    Then I realized it was late. My alarm did not ring this morning. My phone was out of battery. If you hadn’t chased me out of my dream I would have been late to work. On the other hand, if the alarm would have rung at the proper time, I wouldn’t have dreamed you at all…

    When I was in high school my native language teacher told us that the Romanian language contains a word that defines a feeling, that other languages don’t have. That is not that a biggie, Germans have Schadenfreude, word which describes the pleasure in seeing bad things happen to others. But the Romanian word is sweet and special, that’s why it is the object of this posting.

    The word is written Dor and the pronunciation is close to door from the English language, but with a short “o“. It’s meaning is very complex but I’ll try to explain it to you.

    This word can be used to express a very strong desire to see someone really important to you. When is preceded by the Romanian equivalent of the preposition with describes the passion between two persons. The expression să ne iubim cu dor can be translated most closely in English as “let’s make love with passion”, but the Romanian expression refers more to the prelude itself and the passion involved in it. Also this passion is a naive one, is sweet closer to tenderness, but hotter. It’s gonna be funny, but I’ll get mathematical a little.

passion > Dor > tenderness

    In some contexts can be translated also as lust, but the same, it is not a sexual lust, is more connected to the soul being actually love hungry for that person. Also, Dor involves sometimes a bit of melancholy, nostalgia, torment and pain. Not physical pain, you know what kind I’m referring to.

    Why am I writing this now? Onestly? I intended to write this a few months ago, but now…now it kinda’ fits to the context.

I have found myself again
In the darkness and in pain
All I did, it seems in vain
Lost, I’m running in the rain…

I have found me thinking wrong
About things that never were
I was waiting for so long,
Hopes and dreams, they are all gone…

You are now so far away
I could come and we could sway
Or in bed we could just stay,
Whether it was night or day.

But, are you worthy of my soul?
Would you love it like your own,
Would you keep it nice and warm,
Will you keep it safe and whole?

    … but not in the wicked way.

    After the breakdown started I had to do something, I am to young to break down. So I went to some doctors to see what is wrong with me. I had four types of medical investigation done to me. Three of them revealed four illnesses, yes four. All treatable. But it will be a while until I will be well again. And when I say well, I’m referring to the state of indestructible I always knew myself to be in.

    I am really sad about all this illnesses that hit me all at once. I want to break down and cry, but I know that I’d be a hypocrite. Yes, I am ill, but I am still myself, I can still do all the things I love to do. I just have to take extra care of me for a while and take some pills. That’s all. It will take a while, but in the end, almost all it will be fixed.

    Only my heart cannot be cured. It is doomed to be broken.

What would I feel, what would I do
When there will be no us, and you
Will be but thousand miles away?
Would I be sad? Would all be gray?
Would you be all I’ll think about,
Would your name be in every cry or shout?
Would I be capable to wait,
And my nights not to spend awake?
But until then, there are few moments left
Hold me closer to your chest!
Kiss me, tell me I’m all you’ll think about,
Convince me! Time is running out!

    When the pains come I feel like the whole city is crushing down on me. Its sounds scratch my ears, the lights reflected in its windows burn my eyes and all the people around me make my head feel like exploding. I try to ignore the pain, try to act normal until it will go away. It still goes away, but I’m scared that there will come a day when it will be constant and I won’t be able to pretend it isn’t there anymore.

    I used to think I’m untouchable, invulnerable. Suddenly I find myself as weak and as vulnerable as any human female being. I wonder if I was ever strong or was all an illusion created by my mind.

    The worst part is that instead of looking for a cure, I am blaming the city, I am blaming myself and I am accepting all the pain that will come even if sometimes I fell like I’m disintegrating.

    I am scared, insecure and sometimes when my heart starts aching I start to shiver. I lose my breath I just wish all would end. But this is not that easy… probably I’m just getting old and I’m having a hard time accepting it, I always was a little bit reluctant to changes.

I really thought that giving all
Ensures that you receive a whole
But oh, so big a fool I’ve been!
For letting you under my skin.

Little of you is not enough
I want you all, with all your stuff
I want your past, I want your pain
I want to try to keep you sane.

I tried loving little of you
Enjoy the little I had access to,
But love implies much more than that:
It needs a body, soul and heart.

Little of you, will just not do…